not a shinigami
by ncfan
Summary: He's not a captain anymore, not a Shinigami, and naturally, things have changed.


**Characters**: Shinji.**  
Pairings**: none.**  
Warnings/Spoilers**: Spoilers for Turn Back the Pendulum arc.**  
Author's Note**: An inner monologue with Shinji sounded pretty cool. This has been rated more for Shinji's mouth than anything else.**  
Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach.

* * *

Most of the people back in Soul Society wouldn't recognize me now. And if they did, they'd claim not to know me.

I suppose I can't really blame them for not figuring out that Aizen was a bloody traitor before they did. I didn't see the truth behind that creepy kid until it was too late, and I've got only myself to blame for that; hindsight is crystal-clear, but I was blind until too long afterwards.

I was different back then. I was Hirako Shinji, the captain of the Fifth division who had held his position for seventy-five years; that might seem a short tenure today, but back then, when captains and Shinigami in general tended to drop like flies, it was pretty good. I was the grouchy captain, the one who went by the book (apart from my taste in music) and didn't put up with nonsense.

I didn't give a damn about the feelings of my subordinates; I couldn't afford to. I kept myself so very separate from the members of my division, so I could do my job objectively and I could send them into battle without it costing me sleep at night.

My objectivity came at the cost of my position, my humanity, and nearly my life as well.

Hirako Shinji-taicho died that night, anyway.

Aizen was a bit smarter than I thought he was. He had the perfect way to get rid of me, get rid of all of us. I guess he figured the Hollowification process would destroy our souls and our memories. Even if it didn't, our credibility was ruined forever; who'd believe anything that came out of the mouths of a bunch of Shinigami who had crossed the boundary between their race and Hollows? The fact that Soul Society apparently wanted us put out of our misery didn't hurt, either.

Urahara got us out, with some help from others. He really stuck his neck out to help us, and as much as I wanna believe it's just because Hiyori was his lieutenant, I can't help but think he just felt responsible for us. Weird, that. I don't think I would've done the same, if I'd been in his position, 'cept to try and get Hiyori out.

Shoot.

I look back, and I can hardly recognize that person I used to be. I was such an idiot. If I'd though Aizen was so suspicious, then why didn't I keep a closer eye on him than I did? They always said it was best to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, so why didn't I do that? If I'd gotten to know him better, I could have prevented what happened to all of us. That's what I think every time Hiyori snipes at me and slaps me with that sandal of hers. I think I got it all wrong.

It goes without saying that I'm not the same as I was then. Contending for control over your body with a damn Hollow changes you; it either breaks you or makes you harder. For the life of me, I can't tell just which happened to me.

I do things now that I never would have back then, the good and the bad. We Vizards had to stick together, and once I got down off the mountain, I got to know them pretty well. I'm sort of the de facto leader here, though in the end it's more of a democracy and Hiyori will do whatever the hell she wants. Well, I don't lead in quite the same way as I used to; I know these people a hell of a lot better than I ever knew my division.

I don't give a damn about the little things like I used to. If I get wind of a Hollow attack, I'm gonna ignore it, 'cause quite frankly, the Shinigami can handle it, and I'm more of a Hollow now than I've ever been, so on some level, I kinda take issue with hacking into Hollows all willy-nilly.

Me and Shinji-taicho are perfect strangers.

Shinji-taicho never obsessed about the past or past mistakes. Shinji-taicho didn't have any regrets. Shinji-taicho didn't have nightmares or wrestle for his soul with a Hollow who creeps in the back of his mind, with a Hollow who was always whispering in his ear and just wouldn't shut up.

Shinji the Vizard sure does. I can't remember the last time I slept well, because all I can think about it Aizen running amok around Soul Society, Aizen finally being exposed a hundred years after he got me and the others kicked out, Aizen who mutilated our souls and our minds and bodies, all for the sake of a damn experiment. All I can hear is that inner demon, that Hollow hissing at me. It comes up when I'm awake, too.

I did everything wrong. I did everything the captain was never supposed to do. Other people were good captains; Aizen, I'm sure, was a great captain because he was always a superb actor who knew how to play his part to perfection and usually got everyone else's parts down pat to just to be able to improvise if he had to. I was an awful captain.

I've lived for nothing but revenge these past one hundred years. That can change someone. We've all changed, but even Hiyori admits she barely knows me anymore.

Shinji-taicho was never concerned with revenge.

When Shinji the Vizard catches up with Aizen, it ain't gonna be pretty.

Urahara keeps talking about this cure, every time I see him. I'm not too optimistic, but if he does, I'll be waiting.

I'll take that cure, of course, but I don't think I'd go back to Soul Society even if they got down on their hands and knees and begged me. I don't think I can ever go back to being a Shinigami, not one in the Gotei Thirteen, anyway. Now that I've been to the dark side of things, I don't think I can ever come back.

I'm not what I used to be.

I'm not human, Hollow, or Shinigami. I sure as hell am not Hirako Shinji-taicho.

I'm just…Shinji. And I'm different from all of those things I used to be.


End file.
